I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
