I'm eating all of the evidence.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
