hotel room ftw
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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