I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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