He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
