So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
