I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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