Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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