I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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