Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
