nut hugger
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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