forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
