We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize