Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
