R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
