Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
