Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
