My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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