I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
