My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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