I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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