I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
