You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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