I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
