He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
