I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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