Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
