WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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