She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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