my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
