Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
