This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
