I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
As shirtless as possible
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
