i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
