half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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