She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
