After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
