How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
