he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
