you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
