hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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