he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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