my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize