Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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