It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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