You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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