There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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