I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He told me they were just razor bumps!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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