is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
