i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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