Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
