it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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