I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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