I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
