Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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