New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
