he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
