You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
