Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
