Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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