I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
