I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
