if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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