I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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