I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
