god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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